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  • Writer's pictureAmanda Giroux

Licking Knives

There is a saying by Lauren Eden that goes "When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives." I'm sure there are many ways to interpret this, but for me, I read it as a sacrifice of what you deserve for a settlement of what you get. Or deeper, what you have conditioned yourself to believe you deserve. Our needs drive us and for some, those needs can feel out of control, like a compulsion, forcing us out into the world seeking the sharpest knife on which to lick. Like a bucket we continuously need to fill, not realizing the hole in the bottom. We accept the lowest forms of love and friendship, and any type of acceptance is acceptable to us because it means even if only for a moment, we are not alone, we are seen, and we are loved.

If we don't truly know what we're looking for and only know what we are trying to avoid, we are bound to run into trouble. If we operate out of fear of abandonment, we'll never know when we let go. If we operate under the fear of being a burden, we may always do more for others than we do for ourselves and abandon our morals, values, and needs to meet others'. If we operate out of fear of loss or inadequacy, we may become greedy, materialistic, and forceful toward others. I believe we all have our unique trauma blueprint, like a map, showing our scars and wounds, where we've healed, and where we're still hurting. Some scars, no matter how healed, still rub up against us in our daily lives and some pains we just have to learn to walk alongside. All of it is here for us, for our evolution and growth, and for the service of others. But only if we allow it.

Knowing That We Know Nothing

Who am I? In the grand scheme of things, I am no one, just a blip of an existence in time. In the grandiosity of the world and the universe, I am nothing, I mean nothing. For some, this can be an immobilizing thought, a terrifying existence. Yet for me, it is freeing and the more I wake up to that and the deeper it sinks in, the freer I become. I mean nothing, except to those whom I mean everything to. I matter not, except to those to whom I matter most. Which means, I do matter and I do have meaning. Because I am meaningful to those I share my existence with.  If I draw breath from my lungs and my heart beats, I have time to mean and matter more to those I matter to. Furthermore, even if I lost everyone I knew tomorrow and was left standing alone, I have the ability to create new meaning in my life, as long as I draw breath and my heart still beats. Death is the only true ending on this plane, and even then, it births a new beginning, just one that none of us can see from here.

The truth is that nobody knows anything. Not what this life is for, not what comes after, nothing. We only know the truth we have been given in our hearts, and what we allow, accept, and what we shun and deny. Two types of knowing. But we live in a society that manipulates, controls, and blocks us from hearing our inner truths, so, no wonder so many of us are lost on our paths. No wonder so many of us cry in the night. drink ourselves numb, share beds with strangers, and turn off our hearts to our truths. Then we project our insecurities and feelings of lack onto others, judging them, expecting them to fix us, and falling victim to our lowest needs. We fall victim to licking knives.

A Struggle Worthy of Triumph

Sometimes we can feel so far gone one way, that even considering righting the ship and getting back on course seems like too much. We see the changes we want to make like Mount Everest, and the life we want to live on the other side of the ocean with no way of crossing it. It can be easy to look at another person's life and think 'how easy'. But the truth of the matter is that we all internalize things differently, and things affect us on a different scale. My Favourite example is the rich kid; that kid who seemed to have it all growing up, everything he could want or ask for, he got. All the other kids were jealous of the THINGS, but what that kid truly valued was his parent's time, which he never got. But on the outside, his life looked perfect.

This is so common in our world, to judge others without truly knowing what their internal world is really like. Further, we have been conditioned to lean into our victim mentality, make excuses for our lives, and numb out to anything real. It's a lose-lose situation a lot of people are trapped in. Facing yourself in a way that removes all excuses and lays accountability at your feet is a struggle. Also, meeting yourself with love and empathy for not getting what you need in life is at times, a struggle.

But it is a struggle worthy of triumph because you are going to suffer and struggle EITHER WAY! This you must know and embody NOW if there is anything I can stress upon you. Your life as you know it, as you live it will cause you struggle and suffering. No matter what, you are already in it. You are already making sacrifices, whether they are clear to you now or not. You are already suffering, you might as well suffer for what you truly want out of life, instead of succumbing to the suffering of the ones who give up. if you are going to give up anything, give up the idea that life will be without suffering. it is about what you choose to suffer for that truly counts. Pain can propel us forward and into the most breathtaking moments of our lives. And if you decide that you are willing to suffer towards those beautiful moments, what you will eventually find is that life becomes beautiful, all of it, and the suffering you once felt has become part of your sacrifice to your life. It blends and flows into what you do to create the life you desire, and then you begin living the life you desire.

My long walk for a short drink of water is this - Everything is hard in the beginning, but the longer you put it off, the harder it gets. Risk looking stupid, risk failure, risk admitting you were wrong, risk apologizing, risk it all. Be willing to go ALL IN on your life. Otherwise, you're simply existing and if I know anything, I know in my heart that can't be all we're here for.

Get Started on Something

You don't have to solve world hunger, lose 80 pounds, or fix all your problems overnight. Just get started. On something. On anything. Pick one thing and start doing that thing. Action and motion trump stagnation, and the smaller you chunk things down, the easier they become and the more accomplished you feel. Know you're going to suck at whatever it is for a while, longer than you think, and be ok with it. Be willing to be the student and let your ego take a backseat ( that is REALLY hard for me, still working on that myself).

Most importantly, do not, EVER, give up on yourself. if you have breath in your lungs and your heart still beats, you are worthy of greatness, and you are worthy of this life. Remove the idea that you only deserve the knife. It is time to create your own spoon.

Amanda Giroux


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