There are moments in life when you come to this fork in the road. You have two options, and two directions to choose from. Either will take you down drastically different paths. Both have their own unique set of challenges and you must choose only one. Of course, one can never fully know the results or consequences of the chosen path until we are on said path. That is the gift and curse of life. Receiving the test before the lesson.
Last night I decided to go out for a walk, what with it being spring in December in Durham Region, Ontario, how could I resist? I am big on reflecting, and as I walk, I think about my life, the last year, and how so much has changed. I run through all my loved ones in my mind and how incredibly blessed I am. I think about my problems only to discover I have none. I am walking with a full belly, from my warm and safe home, thinking about all the people who love me. Once upon a time, many years ago, those walks would have been very different. But this walk is nothing but peace.
I reflect on my loved ones and as I do, I realize something. Everyone I have in my life, everyone I love and would die for (minus a couple of friends) all came from my relationship with my Father. My stepmother, who at this point now deserves the true title of Mom, my sisters, who I couldn't imagine living without, my grandfather and grandmother, who make me feel special like a child every time I see them, and even the incredible man I am with today, all resulted from the Man who is my Dad.
Now if this wasn't already special on its own, I will go further and explain the deep significance here and the lesson I hope whoever reads this can take away from it....
My Mom and Dad were 16 when I was conceived and I never actually met my Father until I was 14 years old. My Grandparents, my mother's parents, took custody of me and raised me. There was a lot of drama and controversy around the topic of my Father and I never really felt I understood the story or anything around it until much later in life. At the time, all I knew as a child was that I had a Father but no one knew him. His absence grew hatred among some of my family members, but for me, it grew curiosity. Who was this stranger with whom I shared half of my DNA? Who was this man I was tethered to without knowing? I wanted to know him so through divine timing and kindness from my Grandmother, we reached out to see if we could find him and we did. The details are not needed but I eventually got to learn about who My Father was and where he had been.
I don't think I was prepared for what followed, and to this day I still wonder with gratitude how a young and naive girl like I was at the time could trust her intuition so fiercely. But I believe we are sent knowings from a Divine place we cannot imagine or describe because it is beyond human conception. But because we are made from that place, we are instilled with a knowledge of that divinity, and where we must go in this realm of existence.
I digress, against much force I decided to pursue a relationship with my father and at the time step mom and two sisters (we have a third now). I inherited this entire family that only wanted to love me. No conditions, no hoops to jump through, no manipulations, just love. Accepting love when you don't know how is one of the hardest things to do, and took me about 15 years to figure out. That's a whole other blog post....
My point is this - I could have decided to be angry at my Father for missing the first 14 years of my life. I could have labelled him an abandoner, a deadbeat, an asshole, whatever. I could have jumped on the bandwagon the family I grew up with had already started long ago. Or, I could listen to that tiny voice inside me from that Divine place that whispered for me to lean in, to pay attention, to seek out a new way.
Deciding to listen to that voice set me on a path I can never put into words how truly grateful I am for. Choosing forgiveness and love brought so much MORE love into my life. I have my Step-mom who just jumped in and loved me and has loved me through the years of me not knowing how to love her back, or how to love myself. She stuck through me projecting my Mother wounds onto her and held strong because she knew eventually I would cave and let her love in, which I did.
I have my sisters, who I can confidently say I would do anything for, and will protect with my own life if it came down to it. 3 souls I work every day to be the best example I can be for them, fall short, and keep trying. 3 hearts on the outside of my body. I have the coolest grandparents who shower me with unconditional love, food and laughter, and a huge extended family from my grandmother Terri as well.
Recently I have come to know an incredible man and have entered into the first real and healthy relationship I ever had in my life, and this man knows my Father. All of this love has come from my decision to have my Father in my life, forgive him for whatever had happened and love him today.
The caveat is this - had he been in my life for the first 14 years, I would not have all of these incredible people in it now. Had he been present a the start, none of what I have would be here. This is why we need to see our life openly, and know and come to understand that divine timing is real, and everything is for us. Even if we can't see that now, it will eventually show itself. The test comes before the lesson. And I am forever grateful I passed this one, to be able to receive these wonderful blessings I have now.
Thank you, Dad, for your love, for your presence, and for everything you have brought into my life.
Love always,
Amanda
