I am starting this writing journey (again) because I am at a crossroads in my life. I recently turned 36 and I was SO excited for the new year. I thought for sure this year was going to feel different, new, awesome, all the things you usually say to yourself like "this is my year" or "things are going to be different". I currently own a cleaning company, and as of August 1st, 2023, two days prior to my birthday, I was able to step out of the cleaning part of the business and begin my journey as owner. While I love the business I have created, cleaning full time AND trying to run a business was too much for me, and, just because you're good at something, doesn't mean you need to be doing it.
Alas, when I stepped out of the cleaning world, I assumed my life would magically improve on this grandiose scale and all the existential dread and sadness would disappear. What it actually ended up doing was spiralling me into a deeper depression and existential dread that I have felt in years. You see, removing the distraction of cleaning everyday has now given me the time to truly assess my life. A few emails, phone calls, and networking meetings doesn't really fill 40 hours.
I titled this blog - the millionth beginning because I hav started and stopped and started again so many things, so many times, I feel like I could patent this phrase and sell t-shirts and merch. Actually that's not a bad idea, i may write that down for later....squirrel.... sorry. Anyway, have you ever gotten exactly what you wanted only to find that it's given you ZERO joy? Right, we all have a time or two. Probably because it's less about the destination than it is the journey, and usually the way we envision things happening is not exactly howe they happen and the expectations ruins the outcome effect. Affect? Not sure, moving on.....
So once I realized that the thing I thought would bring me immense joy actually create a depressive ripple in my life, I decided that some other action needed to be taken, hence this blog. Honestly I have a deep passion for helping others and I believe that people can learn from others mistakes, that pain gives us purpose, and that we are a collective, here to serve one another. But ALSO - If I don't get these fucking thoughts out of my head I feel as though I may explode, or implode, or disintegrate into nothingness.. Go Crazy, mostly.
I am truly no one special, no one of unique gifts or qualities, other than my ability to recite 'The Office' line by line. Really, that is a gift... But seriously, I am just a regular person, like you and everyone else, who has seen some shit, done some shit, and been through some shit. And I really just want to share it, I really just want to crack myself open like the ground beneath us in a huge earthquake and just pour myself out into the world. Because why not? Why the Fuck not? What else do I have to do with my time now?
As far as who I am as a person and what I have experienced, you will have to stick around and read my stories to know. What I will say though is that every single word that touches this page will be true, authentic, and void of fluffy bullshit. Everything I say is honest, because I am so sick to death of living in this fake ass society that will patronize you to your face and tear you down behind your back. People are too afraid to be honest these days, and it's because they are too afraid to be honest with themselves. People can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves and most people are living lives of facade. It's not their fault though really, it's what we have been taught since we started understanding things, and society reinforces it at every turn.
Being real is scary because it exposes you to real rejection. It's easy if people dismiss a persona or a mask or made up version of you, or even a partial real version of you. It's NOT however easy if someone actually rejects YOU. Which is why so many of us, myself included, fake things, downplay ourselves, and agree for the sake of agreeing to avoid that rejection. So you're definitely not alone there. Iv'e started podcasts, books, websites, done coaching, businesses, and other starts and stops and what I realized is that every time I stopped something, it was because I hit a wall of vulnerability I wasn't yet ready to climb over. So instead of resting and reevaluating, I stopped. And there is still a part of me that is so mad at myself. AMANDA!!! WTF!!! you could be so much further along in your career, love life, mission, finances, LIFE!!! If you just kept at it. But I didn't keep at it.
The one glorious thing about me though that I love to pieces is my unwillingness to give up. My sheer stubbornness that got me into countless messes is also what elevates me from the ashes of my dumpster fires. It's a level of resourcefulness I attribute to my upbringing, but also it just feels like a gift from the otherworld. You cannot stop me, if I so decide that I don't want to be stopped. Which is why I have decided AGAIN for the millionth time to restart my blog and share my life with whomever, (whoever??) want's to take the ride with me.
Because why the Fuck not?
Stay tuned....
Amanda xo